Amy Dickinson • Postmedia Network Specialist A man who is estranged from his dad is not interested in reconnecting via email. Photo by file photo / Getty Images
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Dear Amy: Recently, my biological father emailed me saying that he would like to meet me. We have never met. He is 81, I am 64.
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He had long denied that I was his son, and until recently he was very hostile to any attempt on my part to keep in touch. Decades ago, I did some research on him and decided that I knew enough and I moved on. He was a successful businessman and is the patriarch of a large family. I am also successful in my job and happy with my life and large family. I have responded politely to his emails, but I have decided that I am not interested in an email relationship with an almost complete stranger, whom I do not know and have no relationship with. I have, however, offered to meet him up close. (Lives in another state). He replied that it would be a waste of my time and money if I had no desire to develop a relationship with him. I consider the cost of travel to be a very small cost. He rejects my feelings about the personal encounter, as opposed to the corresponding one.
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My view is that this ship sailed decades ago and I would rather go. It’s wrong; – Moving on Dear Moving On: I guess you would rather meet in person to see for yourself any physical or other family characteristics and satisfy what could be a lifetime of periodic curiosity about your biological father. One reason some people prefer to communicate via email over personal is because they have more control over the conversation when they correspond. This reduces the risk of dealing with each other’s visceral reactions. In the case of an elderly person, he or she may have physical ailments or lifestyle realities that he or she does not want to reveal. He may be afraid of your anger or trying to stop you from meeting other family members.
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And it is worth noting that he did his only role in making you stand out when he was 16 or 17 years old. Surely the father of a baby at such a young age could be a factor in some of his sad subsequent choices. You seem to be trapped in a quarrel over who will be in control of the conversation, but hey – this is easier said than done. (I also wonder if there is a stubborn family series in the game.) Obviously you do not expect or desire any kind of love, but I think you may regret it later if you do not express yourself and do not ask questions now, even if it is via email. Think of it as receiving information instead of having a relationship that you have stated you do not want to have. Sorry, but this video failed to load. Dear Amy: When I was going through my divorce, my ex-husband told our two sons that if they were talking to me (their mom), then he did not want to have anything to do with them.
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My sons told their father that I was their mother and that he was their father and that they would not reject any of us. My ex never spoke to them again. It has been 12 years now. My ex died of lung cancer. His family never notified my sons that their father was dying or had died. I found out by accident when I fell on my ex’s distant cousin. My ex was an alcoholic and drank until the day he died. I hired a lawyer to look at a will and, to our surprise, my ex deliberately omitted his sons from his will. My ex’s family took everything. I feel like his family should have given something to my sons, but they took it all. What do you think about this? – Overwhelmed Dear Devastated: I think your sons were lucky enough to have you as their wild and protective mother.
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Everything about the behavior of their father’s family. They did not “take” these things – they were given these things. And they decided to keep them. I hope you will do everything you can at this point to continue helping your sons manage their own confusion and sadness. Dear Amy: I disagreed with your advice to “Appalled”, the adviser who kissed the lips of the director of a non-profit organization he was consulting. The consultant should have spoken to him directly, instead of going to the board. Involving other people would be wrong. – Disagree Dear Disagree: The board had just hired him. should be aware of this serious breach.
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